I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
