thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
