then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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