She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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