need another drink. this is the easiest way
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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