so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
