I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
