You made me cry and you don't even care
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
