Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
