Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I want her autograph on my taint
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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