my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I think I am morally bankrupt
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
