I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
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