Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Randomize
