I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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