After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
