well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
