I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
