I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
