his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
im six kinds of drunk right now
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
