When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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