so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
