Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
