There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
