Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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