I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
