chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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