Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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