For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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