Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
