I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
