my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
