Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
