my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
