Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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