Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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