you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
