I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize
