i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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