I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
