Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
