2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
