I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
