i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
