So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
