I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Randomize
