hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
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