ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
