I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Also, beer. Big fan.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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