Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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