I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
