Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
