What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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